Mom's New Identity
A podcast for women and mothers who want to re-define and re-discover their identities on THEIR terms. We discuss topics relative to motherhood & parenting, mental health & healing trauma, and hint of entrepreneurship. My mission is to empower you to begin your own healing journey, and learn to let go of the harmful expectations society has placed on mothers so you can begin to start thriving instead of just surviving.
Mom's New Identity
14. Challenging Gender Roles and Shifting the Mental Load of Motherhood
Ever felt unseen, unappreciated, and utterly burned out by the incredible mental load of motherhood? SAME.
In this week’s episode, Amber sits down to talk about how internalizing gender roles may be driving a wedge between couples in the household and takes some time to list out the “invisible” mental load that mother’s often carry. Lastly, she shares a digital resource that could help you and your partner create more balance in the household labor while ensuring both of your individual needs are being met.
DISCLAIMER: This episode is produced and edited by the host Amber Ivana. It is strictly for entertainment and educational purposes and is not a replacement for professional advice or therapy.
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If your spouse, your wife, your partner or the mother of your children is sending this to you, it is because she is desperately in need of help and she needs you to listen. And if you choose not to listen, if you choose to ignore the message that is being sent here, it could be to your own detriment. I really could. I'm your host, amber Ivana, and this is Mom's New Identity Podcast.
Speaker 3:First, let me say I'm glad you're here On this podcast. My goal is to help fellow mothers redefine motherhood on their terms. How would I do that, you ask Great question? By having honest, vulnerable and sometimes even uncomfortable conversations about parenting, motherhood, childhood trauma and mental health. We do this so we can challenge the ideas of what society tells us we're supposed to be and do as mothers and as women. My hope is that when we, as mothers, begin to heal and be true to ourselves, we can begin thriving instead of just surviving.
Speaker 1:Hello and welcome back to Mom's New Identity Podcast, where we are redefining what it means to be a mother. I'm your host, amber Ivana, and today we're talking about the mental load of motherhood and really the household responsibilities. Before we do that, I want to remind you that if you love the show, if you really enjoy these episodes, be sure to follow on Apple Podcasts. You can also follow on Spotify. If you prefer to watch shows like on YouTube, it's free on there as well. You can do that. Be sure to click that subscribe. If you are going to watch on YouTube, be sure to subscribe and hit the bell notification, because you get notifications every time I post a new video, or I should say, a new episode.
Speaker 1:I post two episodes every other Sunday, whatever date that this is being released. I want to say this episode's coming out on the 8th. The following episode will be on the oh my gosh 22nd. Yeah, just every two weeks. I will probably just take a break towards the end of the year. I may only have a few more episodes for the rest of this year, but I don't know. We'll see. We'll see, we'll see. It just depends on how the holidays go. So, yes, but other than that I post episodes every other Sunday. So be sure to follow, because I'm going to make a conscious effort to make sure that I give previews to upcoming episodes and get your feedback and everything Really, just to get your insight before posting episodes and just to make sure that I'm connecting with you all.
Speaker 1:So that's the best way to connect with me is on Instagram at moms. Is it moms, new identity? Momsnewidentity? I don't know. It's in the description, it's in the show notes. So, real quick, by the way, shout out to undoing motherhood for this awesome shirt. If you're watching it on YouTube, if you're not watching it on YouTube, I'll basically describe a shirt to you. So it says it's basically like it's a graphic tee, that it looks like it's describing something, or should say defining something, like you would see, like in a dictionary. And it says bad mom noun, informal parent with feminine caregiving role, who is judged by culture to be inadequate but who merely manifests results of inadequate support and resources, unhealed trauma and or weak social ties. See also mythology, social scapegoating. Oh, good stuff.
Speaker 1:But, yeah, undoing motherhood is a really great movement page, if you will, on Instagram that I found one day that just has a ton of great blog posts or sub stacks. I think is also what they refer to them as. But okay, one of the things that they say is that you know they're that motherhood needs a liberation movement and you all know, if you've been listening to this podcast long enough, that I could not agree more.
Speaker 1:So, if you love this shirt, they have plenty of other shirts that are just really sending that message to the rest of the world that, like a screw your expectations. I'm going to do what makes me happy as a mother and I'm going to do it my way, and I don't give a damn what you say. So be sure to give them a follow. Check out their shop. They have a lot of cool stuff, not just shirts, but they also have, like, I think, like maybe stickers and mugs or something like that. But, yeah, check them out, they're awesome.
Speaker 1:Yeah, if you didn't already know, today's episode is going to be about the mental load of motherhood and household responsibilities, if you will, and I want to start this out by saying that since the pandemic in 2020, nearly 2 million mothers left the workforce to attend to their household and their children, and that's according to an article in motherly. They say the pandemic revealed that women felt unseen, unheard and unappreciated in their roles as caregiving leaders in their households and in their workspaces. This all culminated in more moms feeling the effects, with 93% of mothers saying they feel burned out at least occasionally, according to motherly 2021 state of motherhood survey, and that was a survey that was conducted two years ago, so I can only imagine what the results must be now, given the state of the economy and how things are turning around in our country and the political climate, and just it's wild, it's insane. I think that really begs the question of why. Why are mothers the ones expected to leave the workforce? What does that mean? Right Like, why not fathers?
Speaker 1:Some would argue that, oh, it's just because women are are better at these things. You know, they're natural nurturers and or that's their designed role, and that's just a bunch of bullshit. Let's be real, it's a bunch of BS. Because that same statistic, right of mothers being the ones to leave the workforce, I think also points to the fact that if it is more financially beneficial for a household for the husband to stay in the workforce because he has more earning potential, then it's more than just women are the ones that are better with the kids in the household. It's that there's still a very huge pay gap amongst genders, right Like between men and women. There's still a very huge pay gap, and that's actually something that the page I just mentioned, undoing motherhood, have a really, really great subsec about. I think it was titled if you're a stay at home, mom, you need a labor contract. And I was like what it caught my attention and that, oh my gosh, it was mind blowing, that subsec was mind blowing, so I'm going to link it in the description and in the show notes.
Speaker 1:But yeah, I think it's really telling of not just the lack of pay equality between men and women in this country, but also I feel like that's very telling of what our society thinks as far as women's role in the home, that they're meant to be the natural nurturers and like, don't get me wrong, I feel that way about myself, like I feel like I was, honestly, I feel like I was, I was always meant to be a mother. I feel that very strongly. Does that mean that, despite me loving the fact that I'm a mother and loving my children mean that motherhood is easy for me? Hail no, hail no, but I digress. So I think really that fact that mothers were the ones leaving the household or leaving the workforce to take care of the children is really telling of what our society expects from both men and women. Really, I what comes to mind is how mothers are often shamed for, like working outside of the home and relying on childcare. People say stupid things, like I could never let someone else raise my kid, but it's like what, I'm sorry, what? That makes no sense. Get on the flip side. If a father were to stay at home and take care of the household and the children, it's like, oh, he's not a real man, he's not really working, he's lazy, he's whatever. So it's almost as if there's this belief. Obviously it's gender norms, right? Gender roles this is this, my friends is the exact definition of gender roles. Okay, gender is a social construct created to oppress people. No, but yeah, essentially, what I'm describing is gender roles.
Speaker 1:Now, I want to spend some time later on in this episode, so be sure to stick around. But later on in this episode I'm going to really like literally list out the responsibilities that come with the household. Okay, but before I do that, I want to stress something. If you're listening to this episode because your spouse, your partner, your wife, the mother of your children sent this to you, I want you to hear me out on something. Please hear me out on that.
Speaker 1:If your spouse, your wife, your partner, the mother of your children is sending this to you, it is because she is desperately in need of help and she needs you to listen and if you choose not to listen, if you choose to ignore the message that is being sent here, it could be to your own detriment. It really could. And I don't mean to make you feel some type of way, but I need you to understand something. Okay, if you are the primary financial provider and maybe the mother of your children, your spouse, your wife, whatever if she is the one at home taking care of the children and the household, I need you to know that she is not oblivious to the financial burden that you carry. She's not, and I get that the financial burden is heavy If you, as the financial provider, go out and you have to earn money and you have to break your back and do all of these things, you know, to make sure there's a roof over their heads, there's food on their plate. I want you to know that I'm positive and I would hope but I'm almost certain that she appreciates that.
Speaker 1:But the financial burden is not invisible to your partner, even if they're not the ones earning the income and going out and doing that. It is felt in the times when you are not there with them and your children. It is felt when maybe they're having a difficult day and they can't hire help to come support them because maybe they don't have a village. It is felt in the maybe clutter that builds up or the deep cleaning that needs to be done, that they maybe can't hire a maid service to take care of those things, because it is. It's very difficult to deep clean with small children around. If your children are not school age, it is extremely difficult because one there's a level of safety of them getting into certain chemicals, you know things of that nature. But it is felt when maybe they don't go out and do certain activities outside of the home because they're worried about how much they're going to spend. It is felt when they're so deeply exhausted from the day and touched out and overstimulated and they still have to prepare a meal because they can't afford to buy one, to have one delivered to the home, right. So it is definitely felt by them and it's constantly in the back of their mind. It's not invisible to them.
Speaker 1:However, I think that many mothers would probably agree with this is that the rest of what it takes to maintain a household, outside of bringing income to pay for these things, meals have to be prepared so that children eat. If they want to prepare meals, chores have to be done, dishes have to be done, or there's no dishes to prepare these meals. If groceries aren't planned groceries, a grocery list isn't made, meals aren't planned, there's not going to be food in the house to prepare the meals. If the laundry is not completed, there's not going to be clothes clean clothes on their back to wear when they leave the house. If gosh, if the cleaning isn't done, it becomes a health hazard for children because bacteria creates and causes illness. Not to mention if someone is neurodivergent like myself, clutter can be overstimulating. So all of these things, it's not nothing.
Speaker 1:But I think the problem is that so many of us feel that you're so deeply consumed by the financial aspect and the fact that society has told you that your worth is tied to your net worth that you don't even see everything else. It's not in the back of your mind. You're not thinking about what laundry needs to be done. You're just trying to think how you can escape the fact that you're not happy, maybe at a big job, or maybe you're not as accomplished as you would have liked to be, maybe your life didn't turn out the way that you wanted to and you just want to escape that.
Speaker 1:But guess what? Your spouse, the mother of your children, doesn't have that luxury, and we often run on empty. We're running on empty and I want I'm just begging you, begging you, begging you to listen to this episode thoroughly and just try to set aside whatever negative feelings or beliefs that you may have to try and understand the perspective of what is really. Many mothers are in this situation, and many of them have been in the situation for so long that they broke, and so did their marriage. So if you value your relationship with your spouse and being around your children, you got to change. You got to do what your spouse is asking of you. You can't just be passive, you can't, otherwise you're going to lose your family and then you will have no other choice but to be unless you rather be a deadbeat dad. Let's just put it that way.
Speaker 1:So, now that I got that out of the way, I think that, going back to this idea that women are supposed to be with the children, taking care of the household, and men are supposed to be the ones that are earning an income and such, I think so many of us just men and women alike I think so many of us tend to internalize this belief, and even myself, as someone who has done what I would argue is a lot of inner work and inner reflection and is beginning to do the work of really undoing these very toxic beliefs that have pushed me time and time again to burnout, I still fight it every day, this idea that I have to take care of everything, and especially as a stay at home mother who's not technically earning an income to contribute to the household. It feels like I am a burden and it sucks, and I know that I'm not, but I have to constantly remind myself of that fact. And, being someone who, in my childhood, was constantly made to feel like a burden not necessarily like being told that, oh, you're too much, or you're this or you're that, but by the actions of my parents, my subconscious received that as I'm a burden, so I need to grow up so I can help relieve the burdens of my parents, especially as a very highly sensitive child, and so I know for me my default mode is to go back into just taking care of everything, and even as someone who is actively trying to heal and just constantly work on themselves, I struggle with that so much so I can only imagine someone who hasn't even begun to scratch the surface and really dig deep and start their healing journey. I can only imagine how hard it must be for them. The fact is, when my husband first made me a stay at home, mom, I was over the moon. Like when he is like you know what, babe, I got this, I'll take care of it. Like, just worry about you and the baby. And we just had one kid at this time and she was like seven months old.
Speaker 1:In my mind, I was like you know, I'll eventually go back to work so I can relieve the financial burden of my husband. And I think, deep down, my inner child was so happy that someone actually cared to take care of me and just said you know what I got you, you're gonna be okay, yeah, I think at the same time, there was a deep sense of guilt, of feeling like I have to prove that I'm worthy of this, of this sacrifice, when I didn't need to. And I mean, while I can't speak for my husband, I want to believe that he doesn't think that either. He doesn't. I personally believe that. But I think that this internalized belief of I have to do everything for everybody, and that's because that's what a good mother does or for men. I have to provide for my family and if I'm not providing and giving them this sort of lifestyle, well, I'm a failure or I'm not good enough, and the same thing.
Speaker 1:The underlying message here is that we're comparing ourselves to these expectations that are, let's be real, unrealistic and not always true to our most authentic self, and when we feel like we cannot measure up to these things, in our mind, it creates a sense of shame, it creates a sense of resentment, maybe towards your spouse or people who are doing exactly what you wish you could do. That's why you see mothers being shamed by other mothers especially, maybe like their mothers or grandmothers or their aunts. Right, because those generations before them were like how dare you do something differently? How dare you do what makes you happy? That's not what you're supposed to do, when really, deep down, I think what's really happening in their mind is they're projecting, because they feel that they're seeing someone who took the courage to step outside of the box that they were being put in and say this isn't for me. I'm going to do what feels right to me, but they never had the courage to do that, or maybe the opportunity to do that, and so there's a deep sense of resentment for that.
Speaker 1:The fact is, until we can begin to undo these beliefs that we carry internally about who we're supposed to be and what our roles are supposed to be, until we can start to undo that, there's never going to be a level of balance in the household, there's never going to be an equal division of labor, because your default is to go back to the well, this is my job and this is this and that's their job. But the fact is, you both created children, right? You both decided to build a family together. I mean, obviously, if you're listening to this episode, that's more than likely the case. So why does it stop there? Like, oh, you created now, now you do the rest. It doesn't stop there before we get into this. So this is basically going to be an exercise that I have you do, and I would encourage you to sit down, make sure you don't have any interruptions, that you have a pen and paper in front of you, because I want you to write some of these things out. If you will, okay, and if you can't do that right now, be sure to save this episode or mark it somehow, come back to it and come back to this exact moment so that you can do this exercise, because this is what's going to be necessary to really open your eyes to what exactly is the mental load. The first thing I want you to do is make three columns okay on the page, and I want you to, in one column, put the name of your partner, in one column, put your name, and then, in the last column, put both. Okay, I think you know where this is going. Now that you've done that, I'm going to list the different categories. So this is a list.
Speaker 1:So this is a list that I actually came up with a while ago. I think it was actually before. It was before I had my second kid, or maybe when I was pregnant. I think it was just when I had my daughter. I made a list of all the things that I carry the responsibility for as the mother and I wrote it down and I did calculations. And because my husband and I are numbers people, I am a spreadsheet nerd. Okay, I made a spreadsheet. Okay, I sat there and I made all these calculations because I was like I need to make this tangible, I need to put this in a language that my husband understands, because in his mind it was like I don't understand, like why, what am I not doing enough of? I'm sacrificing everything, I'm exhausted. My husband has sleep apnea, so he doesn't sleep well, so he's extra tired, so he has health issues on top of being a financial provider. I remember just feeling like what the fuck? Like what? I just feel like all of these things are falling on my plate and he doesn't see it, and so I made a list and I made a spreadsheet.
Speaker 1:So, getting back to it, so you're going to have three categories Okay, technically four, but in this particular, like with these columns, you have three categories. The first category you can put this category A, is relationship needs. So you got your columns right Off to the left. I hope that you've left some space on the side, but if not, you can just put a relationship and number one of relationship needs, there's going to be three things. If you think of more, if you all think of more, as I'm listening to this, like, please tell me, please share it with me, okay, because I want to know, I want to cover all my bases here.
Speaker 1:So, number one dates, planning dates, spending quality time together. If you will, all of the stuff that goes into this making sure that it's at a good time, making sure there's childcare, making sure that you're going somewhere that fits your budget, or considering that, if you're on a budget, making sure that it's something that both parties will enjoy. Whoever is responsible for all of those factors? Put the number one under their name. If you feel like you don't even have to think about those things and your spouse does that, put a number one under their name. If you feel like you both contribute to this process, you know, maybe your spouse will secure the date, time or the place and figure something out for you and you just have to figure out childcare. Then instead, put a column in or put the number one in the both column, so, as each category that I list, there needs to only be a one in one column. So you, basically you can't have numbers in more than one column. It's either column A, column B or column C, so column A would be your partner, column B would be you, and then column C would be both of you, okay.
Speaker 1:Number two of relationship needs is your sex life and initiating that Okay, whoever is the person responsible for? And a physical intimacy if you will put a number one under whoever is responsible for that. I think that's pretty straightforward. I don't think there's a need to like break that down any further and we'll. We'll circle back to that in a little bit, because there's another aspect of that that I think is really important, but for now, just whoever comes to mind as far as like, who's the one that initiates sexual intimacy.
Speaker 1:Okay, number three emotional intimacy, and for me this involves this is like pillow talk, right, you're talking about, you know, you're connecting about, maybe what you're feeling and what's going on, and and you're doing this in a space that is safe, that you feel like both parties would be understood, and each party is communicating what they're feeling, being vulnerable, and you guys are having open, honest dialogue. Whoever is the person that initiates that, or is the person who does most of the maybe talking and sharing and being vulnerable? Put a number one under their name If you feel like maybe you both take time to do that and say, hey, let's connect, let's sit down and, mind you, this could be tied into planning dates, but the thing is you can plan a whole date and never actually have an emotional, intimate conversation. It could just be very surface level. So if you feel like you're the one always trying to bring up things about your relationship and it just kind of gets pushed off or there's a lot of deflecting, don't put it in one under their name. Put it under your name, okay. If you feel like you're the one that's always initiating this, okay.
Speaker 1:Category number two needs for the children. So keep this in mind for all of these things too. Okay. Because the fact is, if you're, if they're having to deter to you and all of this, they're not actually taking on the mental load of that. They're not. You're still carrying the mental load of that. So if you don't have to think about these things, if you know that they've got it and they've handled it, and you don't even have to think about whether or not they're making the right foods for your kids or like chopping them up properly, so it's not a choking hazard, for example, like, then they're sharing in that responsibility. But if they're not and you end up having to do it yourself, you better put a number one in your column. Okay, that's what that means. Okay, all right, there's going to be eight different things here, eight categories.
Speaker 1:Category number one planning of the meals. I don't know how you do this. I know for me I will plan what meals need to be done, usually for the week in advance, and think about like okay, the kids like to eat this, they like to eat that, so I need to make sure that we get this, we get that, et cetera, et cetera. If you're the one who's responsible for remembering those things and making sure that whatever the kids eat, or what foods their dietary needs oh, that's a big one. If they have dietary restrictions, if they have allergies, and you're the one that knows those things and keeps track of those things, put a one under your name. If you have nothing to do with this, put a one under your partner's name. If you feel like either one of you could pick this up without the help of the other person, put a one under both.
Speaker 1:Number two and this is separate, okay, it is meal preparation, breakfast. Who prepares breakfast for the kids? Sponge. Who's preparing lunch for the kids? Are they like, whether it be like for daycare or all of those things? Or making sure that the kids have money for lunch? If they, you know, if they go to, if they take lunch at school or if they buy lunch at school. Who's making sure that they have money for lunch and then dinner? Who's making sure that the kids their dinner is made? Because if you have kids, you know sometimes they'll want to eat something different from what you make. So who's the one always trying to make sure that their meals are done?
Speaker 1:In my case, my husband is pretty much the one that does breakfast in our house, because he's here in the morning and then goes to work, like in the afternoon. So obviously I handle dinner and, more often than not, lunch, because he's not here to prepare lunch, because he's, like, headed to work. So that falls mostly on me. But on his days off he is handling, like, breakfast and lunch because I'm out, you know, working or doing something. That is actually something we've implemented to create some balance, but yeah, so, however, that's being divvied up. That's just an example of that.
Speaker 1:Okay, so I'm trying to make sure that breakfast, lunch and dinner are accounted for and prepared, or like the food needs to be bought or you need to figure out, okay, what are these kids going to eat that they'll actually enjoy? That falls on your plate. Put a one under your name. You get the gist, okay, hygiene who's the one that ensures the children are bathing, or the person that's bathing them, who's making sure that their dental hygiene is kept up? Who's the one that makes sure that their hair, like if like my daughter, my daughter has really curly hair so I have to really make sure that I'm brushing her hair adequately or detangling it because it's really really tangly. So who's the one that's doing that majority of the time and handling bath time majority of the time? You know, brushing teeth, all of that, if you feel that it's split, maybe on your days off, your spouse does that and handles bedtime routine. Great, you know as much as they're able to right Like in mind you, I really want to stress this all of these things, if your partner, if you do, share in that load, or maybe they handle it themselves, are they doing it without being asked? Are they doing it properly, without needing to be directed on how to do it and like being like, oh, I don't know how to do this. Or figured out, dude, figured out, let them learn.
Speaker 1:Okay, next one so that was number three hygiene. Number four entertainment or recreational activities. So this is like extracurricular activities after school. You know who's responsible for the commute and ensuring that they get to and from these activities. You know, who makes sure that the signup is done for these specific activities or planning fun events that you guys do as a family? Who's the party responsible for these things? And a lot of these are very general categories and that is because every situation looks different, so my goal was really to try and create categories that were fairly broad so that many people could relate.
Speaker 1:Next one education or school drops off. So who's responsible for getting them ready for school? I mean, I guess that would fall under hygiene, but like dealing with their teachers making sure they're doing their homework, getting them to school, making sure they get on and off from the bus if they take the bus, or basically, you know, making sure they have transportation to and from school or that they're not getting in trouble in school. If there's parent teacher meetings, who is the one attending those meetings and keeping track of when those things are, or really whenever important dates, like in their school, or who's the one that keeps track of those things Okay, or participates in those things right?
Speaker 1:Next number six emotional needs or quality time. So when the kids are having a hard time in my case it's like my toddlers, they got big feelings, when they're having a tantrum and just breaking down and both parents are present, who is the one handling that majority of the time? Or, if they're much older and they're upset and maybe you know they're in shutdown mode, who is the one that's reaching out to the child and trying to make sure that they're okay? I think a perfect example of this would be in Inside Out.
Speaker 1:If you watch that movie, there's a scene where the main character, riley, is. She's upset, she's angry, she had a rough day at school and her mom notices her changing her behavior and she's like okay, something's going off. Let me ask her Meanwhile the dad's checked out. He's thinking about hockey and whatever, and the mom is trying to get him to engage. Hey, riley's upset and he's just like oh, how was school? He was so mentally checked out that he made that situation worse and fortunately he was the one that went up and tried to reconcile and deal with it. So I think that's kind of an example of how that kind of thing could be divided amongst parents and the fact that the mom had to be the one to tune into what was going on with her child. Meanwhile, dad was just checked out, thinking about hockey. That is like one example of how society will just normalize these behaviors when they're not okay.
Speaker 1:It was meant to be like a comedic thing. It's funny, but it's not funny. Maybe back when I wasn't a mother and didn't understand all this stuff, it was funny, but now I'm just like, oh, come on, disney, really. But I digress. Anyways, going back to it, sorry, emotional needs quality time. So who's the one responsible for making sure the kids are okay? How do you divide that? When they're upset or when they're having tantrums, when they're acting out, who's the one that implements discipline or punishment or whatever? That's obviously speaking with much older children. In my case, when my toddlers have tantrums, sometimes my husband will step in and be like hey, because I'm just like what's in and I'm super impatient, so he has to step in and deal with them. So I would say personally that when he is here he does his best to intervene. That has not always been the case, however, we are working on it. But communication, constant communication, is key.
Speaker 1:Okay, number seven maintaining routines and schedules. Now, this kind of falls in line with some of the other categories, but remembering times, remembering dates, remembering when the kids need to go to sleep, remembering when they get off of school, remembering what time they need to be dropped off at school, remembering what time dinner needs to start in order for bedtime routine to start at a decent time, all of those things. Those are part of maintaining the routines and schedules. That doesn't include and this is a different category physical health and wellness and doctors visit. Sorry, this is category number eight. So number seven was maintaining routines and schedules. Number eight health and wellness doctors visit. So I hope that I'm giving you adequate time to mark who does what. Is it you, is it your partner? Is it both? Is it you, is it your tribe? Or give some examples so it could better help you know whether or not it's something you handle, something they handle.
Speaker 1:Number eight health and wellness or doctors visit. So when the kids get sick, who takes care of them? Who leaves work? If you're at work, if you're a stay-at-home mom, obviously you handle that but who's the one that makes sure that they're going to the doctor or they're taking wellness visits, or you're taking them to the doctor or calling the pediatrician when there's concerns, when they're sick, right? Who's the one that's doing that the majority of the time?
Speaker 1:I think the key thing, probably a good gauge of whether or not this is something that has a shared responsibility is it? Does your partner know the name of your child's pediatrician, like the office and their actual doctor's name? Does your spouse know that? Does your spouse have their phone number in there In their phone? Would they take the initiative to call and be like, hey, this happened with my kid, what's going on? Would they know what to do in that situation? I think, with all of these, specifically with the kids, is would they be able to do it by themselves and be okay? That's a real good indicator as to whether or not it's something that you both share in the mental load of or not, because if the answer is no, they would have no idea. Honey, you're not sharing in it just because they actually physically do it. You're not sharing in the mental load. You're still carrying the mental load. Okay.
Speaker 1:So household needs this is a different one. Okay, this is the next category, and in this category we have nine different things. First one is earning income. I think that's a pretty obvious one. I don't think I really need to elaborate on that one. Number two managing the finances. Managing the bank accounts, making sure the bills are paid, making sure things are paid on time, all of those things. Who's responsible for that? I think that's pretty self-explanatory If you have different accounts and you have maybe one shared account where you pay the bills out of and you each have your own accounts. That would probably be something where it's split Number three chores In this one.
Speaker 1:It might be helpful to list out the responsibility. So just to give you some examples of the dishes, the laundry I mentioned some of those things Vacuuming floors, mopping floors, gosh, taking the trash out, mowing the lawn or dealing with the cleaning the front and back yards. When it comes to laundry, not only do you have to put it in the washer, switch it to no-transcript, take it out of the dryer, put it away. There's multiple steps to the laundry. Are you handling those steps all by yourself, or is your spouse starting loads of laundry because they see that the laundry is piled up and they're washing laundry? So it would be helpful to maybe list out the chores that you do and see who's the one that handles that most of the time. Again, without being asked If you're still having to deter to them and say, hey, I need you to do this, that might find that falls on your plate still. Okay, they may lift it out, but they're not decreasing the mental load.
Speaker 1:Okay, number four meal planning for yourself. There's meal planning for your kids and there's meal planning for yourself. Now, you may or may not consider these two different things. I do for myself because I don't always eat what my kids are eating, or I don't always eat at the times that my kids are eating. So maybe I have different dietary needs or preferences than my kids. So that's why I personally I feel like it's a different, it should be a different category, or it's basically in there twice.
Speaker 1:At number five grocery shopping. So the meal planning and the grocery shopping. I say that those things are different because in my household the grocery shopping involves either going physically to the store or doing pickup and like doing the pickup order and getting the pickup order and then bringing them in the house and putting them away. So with me and my husband, I would like plan the meals, make the grocery list, and then he would go get the order and then like bring it home, put it in the fridge, whatever. Yeah, and that's kind of how we split that task up. Six cooking who's making meals for you? Two, who's making food for the parents and the scenario, not just the children and making sure that their meals are done and made. Is your spouse saying like, hey, you take care of the kids and I'll go do I'll go get the food?
Speaker 1:Number seven maintaining household supplies. Household supplies is like toiletries keeping track of those things and going and purchasing those things. Do we need more toilet paper? Do we need more? That's different from groceries. Groceries is food for me. Who's the one that keeps track of that stuff and goes out and gets it? Is it sometimes you? Is it sometimes your spouse? My husband and I we actually this is a great system we have. We will actually. We have a note in, like a shared note in our iPhones. That's like all of the things that we get on a regular basis and then we just like check it off when we need more of it, so that he and I know, okay, this is what we need more of, and then he will usually go to the store and get it. So that's kind of how we split it up.
Speaker 3:Next.
Speaker 1:Thing okay, so that was number seven. Number eight managing the family calendar. This obviously does include the kids, but there are maybe also responsibilities or things that you both have on your plates, like you know, like date nights or maybe, like your spouse has, like a work event that they need to go to and you want to make sure it doesn't conflict with, maybe, your kids like soccer games or you may have, you know, certain engagements or things that you want to do or events that you want to go to, or meeting up with friends or things like that, right that it needs to. You need to consider all of the other people's schedules, right, Especially when you have multiple kids and maybe they're older and they have extracurricular activities. So you got to make sure that your schedule and your things don't conflict with them. Managing that, who's the one that does that majority of time? Number nine household projects. So when something's broken in the house and needs fixing maybe you own the house that requires that you go and you purchase some materials, if at all, or you figure out who you need to call to fix the problem. If you are a renter, it's a matter of reaching out to the landlord and getting it fixed. My husband 100% will handle that stuff. Like I don't even know. Like when we've had like landlords in the past, I wouldn't even know the login to put in maintenance requests, because that was his thing. I'm not gonna burden myself with that. Yeah, that's maybe something that your spouse could take over. Or maybe, if you wanna, like I maybe say you wanna paint something or you wanna decorate something, but it needs, like, someone to physically fix it. Does your spouse do that or do you just handle all that stuff? Now, mind you, if it's something that you enjoy and it's like energizing to you, that's not necessarily what I'm talking about when I say household projects. I think I'm more talking about, like, household maintenance, Fixing stuff, making sure that if the broken stuff is broken, that they take initiative to ensure that it's fixed.
Speaker 1:So you should have a total of three categories under relationship needs, eight answers or categories for needs for the kids and then nine for household needs, and this is a total of 20 needs. Now, mind you, this doesn't include your individual needs and this is gonna be a separate category that we're gonna go over real quick. But those are about 20 different things. Now, what I want you to do and I think this is probably the most obvious thing in this whole time. You should have been putting like a tally mark under whoever is a primary or responsible party, okay, If it's column A, column B or column C. Now I want you to, at the bottom of each of those columns, count the tally marks that you have there, Count the tally marks, count the tally marks, okay, and you should have the number of tally marks that you have on each category or each line at the bottom. How this would basically look, hopefully, is you would have your category. You could put like relationship, kids, house For relationship. You should have like you could just put like one, two, three, and then your tally marks would be in one of the three columns for each of the numbers, and then you would have kids and then one through eight tally mark, whatever.
Speaker 1:I want you to count out how many tally marks are in your column, how many tally marks you have in your partner's column and how many tally marks you have in the both column. What you're gonna do is you're going to divide whatever that number is under each one by 20. And then you're going to multiply that number. This is like math. So you don't like math. I apologize, but I've got a solution for you, okay. So just hear me out. So do your best to follow. So say, on your column you have 10. 10 divided by 20 is 0.5, that's 50%. I mean, you don't even really need to do all that math to know that five out of I'm sorry, 10 out of 20 is 50%. That's pretty obvious. But if you get like an odd number, like six over 20, you're gonna have to do the math on that. So how you would actually do that math is divide your total by the number 20. You'll get a decimal, obviously, and then you're gonna multiply that by 100, that's your percentage okay.
Speaker 1:Once you've got your percentage, you're gonna list it under each column. Now, the shared one. If you divide that number, that percentage that you calculate in half, you wanna add that to each party? Okay, and that will give you your actual and those two numbers sorry, those, all three of those numbers should add up to 100, but once you split the shared one in half, you can see and the reason I did it this way is because in my spreadsheet I have a pie chart and the pie chart is a really great visual for how much is actually being shared and how much one parent is. And when I showed it to my husband the first time that when I made this, he was like damn, like he couldn't even argue with me in the fact that I'm the one doing everything. Like he couldn't argue with me because it was right in front of him, okay, it was smacked him in the face with the numbers. So, yeah, anyway, the next thing I want you to do so you got your numbers, okay, maybe you saw those numbers and you're like what the actual fuck? No wonder I'm so tired. Well, guess what it gets better. The next thing I want you to do is very similar.
Speaker 1:You don't necessarily need to do like separate columns, actually. No, you should do two columns. You can flip the paper over, get another paper. Two columns your name, your partner's name, and this one is going to be your individual needs. Now, the reason why I put this in a separate column is because, really, it shouldn't necessarily be. Well, maybe I can add it to the same column, but these things aren't necessarily part of the household. It is part of the full picture and it is part of the mental load, but I think these things are things that would ensure your well-being, whereas the things that I listed previously are more so, things that are responsibilities that may be more draining than energizing to you, or like those things don't fill up your cup is what I'm trying to say. That's why I separated them. So here we go. The individual needs.
Speaker 1:There are seven, and the first category is social interaction, time with friends. I think that's pretty obvious. If you get to meet with friends and spend time with friends on a regular basis, I want you to put a tally in your column. If your spouse gets to do that, I want you to put a tally in your column. If nothing, you can put a zero or just not put a tally, okay. The next thing social hobbies or, I'm sorry, personal hobbies or leisure. Like, do you have certain things that you enjoy doing or extracurricular activities that don't involve it being a side hustle? Okay, like things that you like, like, do you like to paint or something, right, do you have time for that kind of thing? Do you have personal hobbies that you enjoy, that you get to spend time doing on a regular basis? If you do put a tally in your column, if your spouse does put a tally in a column, if neither, does you get the point, okay.
Speaker 1:Next one, three self-care. Now, this one could be something as basic as like keeping up with your basic hygiene, because sometimes that's what it is. For me, honestly, some days are rough that like I don't even wash my face or maybe I'll just put my messy bun back up because I'm just like exhausted. That could be inclusive of self-care. I feel like it is. But self-care could also mean like going and like getting your nails done, or like going and doing something relaxing to not have to think about anything. Your self-care. Honestly, most men don't even know what self-care looks like. So like, if your husband, he probably has a zero in this category. Okay. He probably has a one in personal hobbies or like social interaction. He's drinking with his boys, like. There you go right there. So self-care you get it more or less okay If you feel like you have time to do the things that you feel like are taking care of yourself, that are refilling your cup, that don't feel like a chore to you.
Speaker 1:Put a one Number four mental health. Are you both in therapy? Are you doing the work to work on your mental health? Are you on your own individual healing journeys? Are you unpacking your traumas on, either with or without a therapist? Are you doing some sort of practice that involves prioritizing your mental health and healing? If you are, put a one in your column. If not, don't put a one Number five health and wellness. Are you active? Are you getting time to go work out or be in a gym, or? Health also is inclusive of like. Are you going to the doctor to take care of like, whatever health issues that you have ongoing? Are you visiting the doctor to deal with those issues when they come up? What was the last time you went to the dentist? What was the last time you went to the eye doctor? If, like, you can't remember. Maybe we should do a separate column for that, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Number six physical intimacy, or I should say pleasure, physical, like sexual pleasure. Now, this is like. I guess I don't know if this is uncomfortable for people. I don't think it's something that we should be uncomfortable with. When you are having sex with your spouse or partner, do you feel pleased? Are you reaching climax Like are you enjoying it, or does it like are your needs not being met? Is it always like to pump, chump and they fall asleep? Is that the case? Or maybe they do finish quickly, but they make sure that you get yours too, somehow. In whatever way, get creative, get some toys. You know what I'm saying. Get a vibrator, go buy one Shit. It's like you can't finish it. I, like most women, can't just climax off of regular vaginal simulation and I know I'm getting into like sex talk here and this is not the primary topic, but we are going to have an episode about that. You better believe it. Okay, we are going to have an episode. I have a guest in mind.
Speaker 1:But intimacy or pleasure, are your needs being met in the bedroom? Plain and simple. If not, don't put a tally there. If it is great, put a tally, number seven personal goals and growth. Now, this is a little different from like personal hobbies and leisure, because personal growth and goals is like things that you like, other hobbies or passions that maybe you actually want to turn, maybe you want to turn something into, maybe you want to start a business, maybe you want to start reading more, or like what are your personal goals in ways that you're trying to grow. I think that probably could tie into other categories, but are you still getting the time to focus on those things? If not, put a zero? If you are, put a tally. Now those are seven things.
Speaker 1:I want you to count in each column how many of those needs are being met and divide that number by seven. Once you've got that, get your percentage right. Same way I told you earlier. Multiply that number by a hundred and then that's your percentage and you can see how many of your needs are being met. Because I can guarantee you that if you're the one carrying a majority of the household responsibilities and your needs percentage is very low, you're a birth fuck out, you're exhausted, you're probably angry, you're probably irritable, you probably hate your spouse. I'm gonna tell you right now that's probably what's happening. But if you are carrying a majority of the responsibilities, yet very many of your needs are being met, you're probably okay, like, you're probably like oh, that's good, I can keep going like this, but that's usually not the case. Like, usually, if you're doing all those things, you don't have the energy for these individual needs that we've listed here. So that's also a reason why I've kind of separated those categories is because it's sort of a comparison For me. Numbers don't lie, numbers tell a story. I'm just a nerd in that way, like I used to get made fun of in school for always being the one to answer the questions in math class. But guess what, I'm smart as hell, yo, I'm smart.
Speaker 1:Now that, hopefully, you've done this exercise, I want to offer you a solution to make this process easier, because to sit here and write all this stuff out and do tallies and stuff that should take a long time, okay, and if you don't like math, even worse, you're not gonna do it. You're not gonna sit there and do it. So I am going to be offering my services, no, I'm going to be offering this spreadsheet as something that you can purchase. Now, I haven't quite decided yet what the price will be. I'll be honest. However, I am going to be basically taking requests for it in the meantime.
Speaker 1:So in my link tree I'll put the link in the show notes in the description. All you have to do is go to my link tree and request it and all you need to do is provide your name and email and it'll send me a request. I'll get your information so that I can send over the details. So I'll send a preview of what this spreadsheet looks like, because obviously you're not seeing it on the screen, you're not gonna here. Here You'll see what it looks like so you can get a gist of what you would be purchasing before you decide to pay for it. But it will also include kind of a walkthrough on how to do that, like a little mini video, and then a 15 minute consultation to maybe personalize the spreadsheet a little bit more for you, if that's what you need, and that way I can ensure that the formulas still work properly and all of those things. So that's basically what you're getting.
Speaker 1:If you should. Actually, the preview is gonna be already prefer. You're gonna see that before each side purchase. But if you decide to purchase this spreadsheet that I've made or requested, I should say in an email, you'll be getting my support as well. So if you just wanna know more details, okay, all you have to do is click on my link tree request my household responsibility sheet. That's what it's called the household responsibility sheet Quest household responsibility sheet. You'll see it on my link tree. You can click on there, put your name, email. It'll send me a request.
Speaker 1:I'll reach out to an email, give you details, give you a sneak peek of what it looks like so you can decide if it's something you wanna purchase, because the reality is y'all, I want to be able to do this full time, and right now I do this in my spare time, when I have downtime, and I would rather be able to spend as much time doing this kind of thing, doing podcasting, possibly coaching, all of that stuff. I want to be able to do that full time, and I can't when my husband is working full time. I can't. All in all, I hope I really do.
Speaker 1:I hope that this was helpful, and the thing I want to stress to you is that, if you're going to work through this, I'd encourage you to actually sit down and do this with your spouse. If you can Do it together, maybe on a weekly, bi-weekly ideally weekly or bi-weekly, at the most monthly, anything more than a couple months. That's how you fall into these patterns of just one person taking over everything. Sit down so that you guys can really have an honest, open conversation of how that responsibility is being handled, and also so that your spouse can really see how much it is that you're caring and how much you're actually doing. I really can't stress it enough that if you can do it together, if you can work through this together, even better. Because what might happen if you do it by yourself is you're gonna be like, yeah, I do this and I do that, but if you're sitting down with your partner, your spouse, and you're talking through these things, they may be contributing in a way that you didn't even think about, because you're so focused on the things that you're doing that they're not doing right. So it would probably be more productive to sit down and do this together.
Speaker 1:Now, whether or not you can get your spouse to sit down and do this with you, that's a whole other thing, because well, let's just put it this way If your spouse is not willing to sit down and do this with you, you got bigger problems. Okay, you got bigger problems, because that just means that not only are your needs not being met, there's no intention to ensure that your needs are being met, and that could be stemming from some other deeper issue which would need to be worked out before this can happen and actually have a productive end result. So I wanna say that I've covered most of this Again. I really hope that this was a really eye-opening episode exercise for you, because my goal is not it is not to pin you and your spouse against each other. That's not my intention. I wanna tell you all that I do not have this mastered. Okay, I don't.
Speaker 1:However, I think anytime you want to correct a situation, there first needs to be an awareness of what the underlying issue is. There needs to be an awareness of what is actually happening that needs to be corrected. Because you can correct an issue like to give you an example with a car like maybe the check engine light is going on or there's something going on in the engine, but you don't know that for sure until you lift up the hood and you look into the engine and you see, oh well, you just need a oil change or your transmission's out. That's a bigger problem, right, but until you get under the hood of that car, you're not gonna know what's going on. All you know is that there's a problem, but you gotta figure it out. If you listened all the way through to the end here, thank you so much. I appreciate you.
Speaker 1:Also, if you're still here, I wanna ask is there someone in mind that you would like to see on this podcast that you feel like you would love to see us connect or collaborate? Do you maybe have a story to share about your own healing journey and motherhood and becoming your most authentic self and redefining your motherhood experience? I wanna know. Let me know, email me, send me a DM on Instagram, because while I think it's great for me to collaborate with other creators or other people who are in this space, I think it's equally important for me to share the stories of just everyday people. Not to say that creators or things like that are not everyday people, but I think there's a certain level of them showing up in a way that is true to the brand they're trying to represent myself included Whereas someone who's not in that space is more likely to just put it all out there and really just share things without worrying about how it's going to affect their personal brand. So, yeah, I'm really interested to know more about you all and your stories.
Speaker 1:I said that I was gonna make a Facebook group, but I just went through this huge transition. Oh gosh, it was rough y'all. I had to move across town and we had to move in with family for financial reasons, and that has been a doozy. Maybe I'll talk more about that later on. We've had to get resettled and it's just been a whole lot of stuff. So, yeah, but I really hope that this episode was helpful for you and that you enjoyed it and that you will take this exercise or practice and implement it in your life, in your relationship, in your household and, really, just if it's helpful to you, utilize the tool that I've created for you all to use. I look forward to getting those requests for some of this so that I can start sending that stuff out to you all. So, until next time, let's keep going, let's keep healing. I love you. Talk to you soon.
Speaker 3:Mom's New Identity podcast is produced and edited by your host, amber Ivana. Intro music mother creator is written and performed by Harid Rohas Abhayid Rohas Music.
